She’s not comfortable with my children, should I continue or leave?

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She’s not comfortable with my children, should I continue or leave?

I’ve been engaged to my partner for five years; we don’t have children together biologically, but we do have kids from past relationships—she has one, and I have two. Hers stays with us, and mine go to their grandma. She tells them that although though she knows who her biological father is, I have taken on the role of father figure in her life as any decent man would, and as a result, people at her school and in the community mistake me for him.

My fiancé, with whom I began formalizing our relationship with a pre-visit, is uncomfortable with my kids visiting our home. As that subject comes up, I can see it in her demeanor, behavior, and expression.

She initially stated that she didn’t want my children’s mothers to bother her (which she just expected since I haven’t invited the kids home in this entire period).

Since I’m a medic and my grandmother’s place is out of town, I proposed that one day when one of my kids was really sick and needed care late at night, I bring the child home, treat them there, and then bring them back the next day. She became so upset about this that she had to check from the balcony to make sure I hadn’t gone home with my child before opening for me when I got back.

Although her baby daddy is a wealthy politician, he never pays for the daughter’s maintenance or school costs. Since we both work, we have numerous meetings to discuss paying her school fees and other expenses. To ensure her child attends school and other things, I have even gone so far as to obtain soft loans.

I don’t often communicate with my baby mothers; in fact, the only times I expect to hear from them are when the kids are ill or there’s a really big issue. I can contact their professors via their numbers if necessary. I use school-pay to pay their tuition since I don’t want to bother them with continuous reminders that could strain our connection.

She occasionally texts her baby daddy at the start of term to remind him to come through, but he has never done so despite his promises. He declared that he would only act in his parts if she returned to him. But he’s with other ladies.

To try to strengthen our relationship with our daughter, I’ve recommended that at least my kids visit during the holidays, but she hasn’t taken well to it. She still seems apprehensive.

Someone who, at first, appeared to be free enough that, at one point, we mailed the kids the items she purchased from her shopping spree. Not that I’ve fronted my children or put their mother ahead of me ever since. There is no possibility of us ever getting back because they are married. I’ve tried telling her this often in an attempt to allay her fears.

However, none of these efforts have been acknowledged.

How should I proceed? Give it more time, please. When is it appropriate for my kids to approach me without fear of retaliation?

QandA Changed status to publish March 27, 2024
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